Surviving The Pain

      I came of age feeling confident and Bright. High School was never a sure thing for me struggling with my Parents divorce and coming of age and being a rebellious teen with a truancy officer.  I still managed to graduate with “Honors” after appealing my 20 something absences. I took college prep courses I never wanted to be a part of the smart crowd so I always went against that and sought comfort in what I considered to be the “cool crowd”. I wanted to take cooking classes and sewing and go to cosmetology school in my senior year my mother would never stand for it.   I never wanted to go to college but my mother always said if you don’t go to college you can’t live here. That was pretty plain and simple cut and dry. My mother was somewhat strict because of her strict upbringing and during the summers I stayed with my grandmother and she raised us the same way. I feared my mother growing up to a certain degree and up until a certain age. Even though at times I know I was unreachable and unlovable she never gave up.  My Mother survived her growing up in the hood and wasn’t going to let poverty, the streets of New York, drugs or any hood mishaps take her life over. She said she always knew she wanted out. Her and my father married right after High School. She wanted the best for my Sister and I and constantly pushed us towards that.   My father’s job relocated to New Jersey and so we moved.  

      I started school at Norfolk State University a Historically Black College at just 17 years old and that's where I started to explore and find myself.  It was an amazing experience but it became too expensive to continue going to school out of state so I finished college In New Jersey. Once I really got into college I realized that I wasn’t there to just earn a degree or add to my resume. I wanted to become proficient in two areas that I was very passionate about. With a undergraduate degree in Psychology and a minor in criminal Justice. I worked in the field for over 12 years, diligently professionally and with Honor.  I gave Birth to my son Joseph when I was 25 and married his father. We were young still inexperienced and somewhat clueless about what it took to maintain a marriage. Later I would learn of my Ex’s addiction to Heroin and him making No honest effort to recover, which would soon start to affect my life in every way. I was Thankful that our Son was small so that I could do what I needed to do Move On.

       My Life had really started to take some twists and turns after My Ex and I’s much needed separation. I was working as a primary counselor in a drug rehab and had 12 very energetic adolescents in recovery who depended on me to lead the way everyday.  I had a new baby and on my own, had just moved into a new apartment where the rent was almost unaffordable; I had to travel to work every day 45 minute commute.  It was just so many obstacles that I had to face. I started to feel bitter and Negative and like I was being sucked into a cycle of loss.  But I was determined that I was going to make it. Even though at times I would think why is all this happening to me? I kept that question in the back of my head while I kept pressing forward. One day another senior counselor and I had lunch together and I just broke down and started crying over lunch Sobs and tears it was a question she asked me that precipitated this.  So she took my hand and said “It does get better you know” she said it will be Okay one day. She said you are one of the strongest Women that I know. I couldn’t see it I couldn’t see how far I had really come in spite of all that was going on.

     Sometimes like my grandfather used to say Life Happens and things that we endure make us feel “Less Than, “Which is exactly what was happening to me.  We start to question ourselves and some of the choices that we made. I had to sit back and look at my achievements opposed to my losses. The achievements were far greater than.  Single parenting is No joke especially when it didn’t start off that way. But I Loved my Son, myself and career far too much to stay stuck with someone who had no intentions on getting better.  No matter how much it hurt.  Its amazing how one person’s bad decisions can affect your life directly and indirectly. I dont know what hurt more to find out My Ex had been struggling with an addiction all of that time or that he didnt believe in me enough after all of the time we had been together to discuss It with me, or better yet maybe me not noticing that something had changed with him. But I was already well trained to know that we don’t make excuses for anyone and I refused to do that.

      But what I did do was renew my attitude about myself. I took charge of my life thoughts and feelings. Once I did that the obstacles in my path turned to dust. I didn’t entertain any lies. When I started graduate school people would say “Girl I don’t know how you do it”? Or how can you do it?. I never believed that hype. My mother kept telling me Go and get it done and we will help you. I let my family be my support system as far my son was concerned and I went back to school and worked full time. I even graduated another program where I received My credential for Family Development Counselor, that took almost a year to complete.  I believed in myself and kept mastering all of the tasks at hand. I had to get out of the funk I was in. I had to believe that I was capable of creating the life that I wanted for myself and my son that was No one else’s Job except my own.

     Even after being faced now in my late thirties with health concerns I still bring the Sunshine wherever I go. I tell people I’m sick they look at me they don’t believe it for one second that I am in pain. People say I smile all the time.  Sometimes I get stuck in my condition but I drag myself right back out. Life is like that, you may not have challenges today but you were surely have them one day. I don’t care who you pray to, where you meditate at, where your church is how much knowledge of self you have. Life will continue to happen. But it’s how you respond to the happenings that make all the difference. You have to go within or go without. I’m old school I pray , I meditate, I am very spiritual, very connected with nature, but I  have never  really been religious but I know that trials will continue to come and so we have to keep on fighting the Good fight. We have to trust our Higher Power whatever that may be and the Universe for what we need.

I had to believe that there was nothing that I had dreamed about that was too good to be True that couldn’t come to pass in spite of the struggles, strife, changes and continious set backs that life kept presenting. No matter what you have to continue to believe in yourself even when No one else believes. You would be surprised how well you can Survive until its time.

Peace, Love, Light and Universal Blessings

Notes On Self Love

Notes on Self Love

Self Love is one of the major things we need to accomplish on our Journey to Self Mastery. Self Love is the beginning of being able to give love to others.  I was always raised with such pride and dignity to Love My Skin, Love My Hair, Love my curves to Love me. But often times we place ourselves in situations that create unloving atmospheres and challenge our ability to Love ourselves, making getting back to loving ourselves rather difficult. Such as Abusive relationships, unworthy friends and other unfortunate events that strip us of loving ourselves. I myself have been a victim of all of the above.

My last earth shattering experience which is probably a whole other blog in itself reminded me of how far from Self Love I had really been removed. My relationships suffered and most of all I suffered.  One of the things I had to keep doing as I kept restoring Love within me was Be Good to myself. We have to realize that we can’t count on anyone else to do that for us. I spend so much time trying to be a Good Mother, Daughter, Sister, Lover, Aunt, friend all of my energy goes outside of me and flows to others, and while I need to fulfill all of those roles and many of us do, if we are not careful we will be left empty on the inside. We have to remember to “Fill Us”.  Usually a Sister can’t go to anyone and say Can you take care of me for awhile? We usually ARE the caretakers of the family, friends etc.

     I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year along with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. For those who don’t know what fibromyalgia is its wide spread muscle and Joint pain and fatigue along with many other symptoms.  I went a whole year before that in chronic pain and tired all of the time and depressed.  While I considered myself to be fighting pain, I was losing the battle on depression. I was also in an ongoing battle getting the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. For the first time in my life my health was compromised. I felt a sense of relief once I was diagnosed because now I knew what was wrong. But one thing my specialist did say to me was take care of you, be good to yourself. Make sure you have what YOU need. Those words really stayed with me.  

Now I make honoring myself an everyday ritual in my life. I make a commitment to Love and care for myself every single day. It makes it that much easier to get out of the bed in the morning. Self Love is like discipline it will keep you honoring your health. It will keep you from entering wrongful relationships, it will help you refuse people that constantly move you away from your purpose, and it helps us make better choices on the whole. When we are loving ourselves we are concerned about our future and our children’s future. We are not going from Lover to Lover, abuser to abuser Situation to Siuation that bring drama and chaos to our lives. Self Love stops that Self Hate, those Self Limiting practices.  To choose to Love ourselves is always a conscious decision.

I remember when I used to equate buying things and shopping and going out and dating to Loving Myself. Shopping and buying things for me always meant trying to fill a void, some space, and some emptiness. I would go from Mall to Mall, club to club, man to man. Instead of me just celebrating myself, like taking a warm bath, burning oil or incense, drinking tea, taking quiet time, turning on my meditation Jazz or my house music, taking time just for me.  It wasn’t my Natural hair, not my clothes, not my shoes or handbag collection but just focusing on Me. See one of the first things we need to do when getting back to self is drop our image and go inward. The outside never matters when the inside is all messed up. Once I got back on my square to really loving myself. All of those behaviors discontinued and I really began to evolve I started to live. I conected with nature more the beautiful things.  Once we start listening to ourselves and honor what we need every single day, our healing can begin.  I had to really look back on those dark places in my past that stole Love of Self from me. I had to look back at all of the times I put myself in a compromising positions. Now it all makes sense. Now especially with my health situation I am proceeding with caution, proceeding with Love.

Take the time each day and congratulate yourself for getting through the day. You deserve it. Showing up to life’s many demands and requests each day is work. Facing and dealing with whatever we are going through each day is work but when we Love ourselves we want to do that. Then we are able to fully Love and support those that Love us.

When we don’t fulfill our spiritual, mental and Physical need for Love, depression and sickness can easily overtake us. You can only be as good to others as you are to yourself. You can only Love another as much as you Love yourself. When you Love yourself, everything else will flow to you in the Form of Love. I promise.

My Natural Hair Journey

My Natural Hair Journey

        Ok so my hair has always been a Hot Topic since I was a little girl.  My hair has always been long full and thick. Hair runs throughout both sides of my family, From our black, Indian, to Latino roots. My grandmother took care of my hair my sister’s hair and all of my cousin’s hair keeping it corn rowed.  Sometimes when she got tired of braiding my hair for hours she would put it in 2 cornrows which I still wear sometimes to this day.  She always taught me that my hair was sacred and not to let everyone mess around in my hair. She talked about energy and bad spirits and how people who really don’t care for you shouldn’t be messing around in your hair. She would never let my Mother perm my hair the only time it was ever pressed was for a Holiday.
     Which when I got older I really started to hate it because when I saw my hair out of the braids I LOVED was In Love with it. It was Long Full, crinkly, curly, coily and bouncy. I never got to enjoy it because she would braid it right back up. She told me that I was too young to have all of that hair out and the boys would be swarming.  Well when my grandmother’s fingers became too cramped to braid anymore, my sister took over corn rowing my hair. I never caught a break until middle school then by high school I wanted this style so bad I talked my mother into letting me have my hair permed. MAJOR mistake and the chick that did it cut it way too much. I was shocked, traumatized even it seemed like all the life and energy was drained right out of it.  Everything that my grandmother said finally resonated with me. From that point on no more perms no more stylists.

     My hair struggled growing back to its length but remained thick and beautiful. I suffered some other traumas with it after that and I feel it’s still playing catch up, but getting very back to normal. The one thing I realized though is “I am Not My Hair” this is what my grandmother was trying to instill in me, and I still struggle with this concept at times. The other thing I realized was that I NEVER hated my hair. I was tired of the corn rows yes but not my thick, long, bushy curly afro. I NEVER hated my skin complexion none of that. We weren’t raised that way.  I’ve always embraced my hair not being permed, the girls that had perms wanted my hair they couldn’t wear the styles that I wore. Afro-puffs etc. I let a style that I saw suck me into “I want my hair like that” and then a hater cut my hair too much. It was a lesson very well learned.

      So looking at all this “rah rah rah” about natural hair now. I have to say that don’t let it be a trend to go natural or pressure. Let it be something you embrace out of Love for Self.  Don’t let it be because you think you are going to be more conscious or more connected to the universe. Because we know that learning knowledge of self promotes that NOT Natural hair specifically.  I know some natural hair sistas who have not one conscious word to say no more than a sista with a perm or a weave. I hate when hair divides us as black women. We also have to teach our daughters that they are beautiful and their natural hair is just as beautiful. It’s not about length or how much. It’s just about style and trying different things and taking your time with the process. It’s also not about idolizing what each female rapper, or R&B star or video vixen is wearing and what weave or wig they are wearing. We have to break that spell off of our young women and older ones too.

      I attend natural hair seminars ALL the time. Sistas of all shapes sizes and ages.  Each Sista has a different story. But my thing is everyone’s journey is going to be different to why they went natural and that should be respected.  The hardest part for most women is ALWAYS starting off.  Embracing how she looks, how she feels, and most importantly how others will see her. What men will think of her? I hear Sistas say all these things in seminars. They also want to know if they can ever wear their hair straight again (of course you can). I get mine pressed or blown out when I want to wear it straight.  I must say I have seen some BEAUTIFUL Natural Hair Sistas from dreads to coils, to kinks to twists, to knots to afros to curls. They compliment my hair, I compliment theirs.  I have met some beautiful Sistas who are just doing their natural hair thing! They inspire me, their stories inspire me! I have been natural now over 7 years and I love it.

     So again I have to say each Sista’s Journey to Natural hair is different and “Why” is not important. What’s important is what is going to keep us Natural and LOVING our Natural Hair. Also for those Sistas who do not choose to go natural, not to love them any less. There is NO separation between us we should CELEBRATE each other no matter what we are Beautiful. Let’s not let our hair be another reason to keep us separated.

                                    

Enjoy YOUR Journey and most of all Love yourself and your Hair

The artwork on my background is by my Natural Hair Sista Friend "Toni Daley" who does fabulous Natural hair artwork!

A Piece For The New Year

 I wrote this piece at the beginning of this year for a guest feature on someone else's Blog.

 On the Journey to New Beginnings

 One of the things often discussed for the New Year are Resolutions. This year my focus lies on Transformation, trusting my intuition and developing more spiritually. One of the many things that we fail to realize is that New Year really means A New You. If you have not made any significant changes do not expect the year to be any different. There are many ways to Transform yourself and set forth new beginnings. One thing I always encourage is to gain knowledge of self.  One absolute sure way of doing this is by researching your Ancestors, knowing from where they came and what they have been through. Our Ancestors have survived many atrocities during slavery. We can eliminate Self Limiting and Self Hating practices by just knowing and understanding our history. Just understanding the “Middle Passage” by itself many of our Ancestors died but many of them “SURVIVED”.  Our past is affirmation enough that we cannot let outside circumstances win over us No matter what we always have to keep in mind that no matter how hard it gets we will never have it as hard as our fore parents did. They paved the way for us; they went through so we didn’t have to. That alone is Triumph. I encourage everyone to get acquainted with themselves this year. Research your roots you will be amazed. A clear conscious understanding of our past I promise you will free your spirit of any negative feelings about yourself.

Another aspect of transformation is learning how to develop inner peace. People fail to realize that often times their lives are chaotic because they keep chaos around them. Learning how to tune the unnecessary out and change frequencies is necessary.  Peace is not found in any person or anything peace is found on the inside of yourself. Every moment that you experience has to be used correctly from the moment you wake up. When you wake in the morning be Thankful to your higher being and then tell yourself you are going to have a peaceful day. Smile and go forward.  Easier said than done I know but it takes practice.  Learning how not to respond to emotions, thoughts and words right away helps our inner peace. Every situation is not urgent no matter if we think it is or not. We have to practice balance and understand our purpose. Always know that after a falling down that there is a getting up again. No matter what the Sun always shines again. Developing inner strength and learning the ability to make the mind quiet, through concentration exercises, meditation, detachment, visualization or affirmations, will take you a long way toward attaining and maintaining inner balance and peace.

The next one is major for me and its my own little creation that I call the “Circle Check” Those that follow me on twitter are very familiar with this. One way of making positive changes in your life is ensuring that the people in your inner circle are positive. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known the person for years or even seconds. We need to be around Positive, Happy, Healthy, Tell It Like it is People always. This is essential to your growth. Bitter folks serve us no purpose. People can be miserable but you don’t have to be. Everyone in your circle is not intended to go on the journey with you. People have to be moved from the inner to the outer circle and sometimes without notice. Don’t be afraid in making changes with people that you deal with. We “outgrow “people that’s the way it should be. It’s always good to remember when you were and was and who you used to be. But its also important to remember who you are now and not to lose sight of that. Life is about change and change is not always comfortable but to resist it goes against the flow of the Universe.

Lastly Love is important. Self Love is essential to your growth and development. Self Love will discontinue many negative behaviors towards yourself. Take time to Love yourself and more importantly others. When you Love you win. Be your best self in your friendships and relationships. Choose your friends wisely understand that everyone is not your friend and that their not supposed to be, people are strategically placed in our lives for reason. Time reveals to us what that reason is. The people that you Love let them know that you Love them. Thank People that support you. They need to hear it. As I always say Give out some “Verbal Flowers”, meaning “words of Kindness”. We have to let others know how much we care. If you are not loving, you are not living Period. We have to take time to Love. Congratulate yourself for getting through each day and tending to the demands that life places on you.

My grandparents on both sides of my family were my best teacher’s wisdom that went way beyond any text book. They are no longer here and I miss them dearly. But their Spirit and wisdom live on.  If you can spend time with elders, do so they speak many truths. My own personal experiences have been my best life lessons and I have had many. I’m Thankful they have helped me to grow and become a better person. I’m Thankful for the ancestral spirits that still guide me along the way. I can still hear my grandmother’s voice in many things that I do guiding me along the way. I get tired like everyone else and have negative feelings like everyone else but I don’t let those “temporary” moments take control of my life. We have to continue to overcome like we always have. There is a reason why our story as a people is never really told. We have tremendous power to overcome and succeed, the stories of Ancestors tell us so.

 Peace and Love and Universal Blessings

Reflection from My day Of Non Conformity

     This piece was written by me after my graduate psychology class completed several research studies on Non Conformity. Conforming is always a big Social Issue. This is just my reflection on my behavior on the day I chose to not conform. 

   My Day of non conformity was normal for me I was my usual Self.  I let my actions and words reflect my feelings. I focused on what I do everyday being myself not worried about what others think or their perception of me. To me Non conformity means not acting in a way that is expected of you. I never fit in to a group or tried to I guess that’s why pledging a sorority was awkward for me. Everyone is expected to conform while pledging. That became increasingly difficult for me and still continues to be. Pledging was a perfect example of how I DO NOT fit in with any group.

     The one thing I did decide to do differently was people are usually expected to see me “glamorous” always especially at my doctor’s office. So instead I went with my hair pulled into a ponytail and sweats and no makeup. My son could not believe I was driving him to school like that.  I’m usually very sociable, happy go lucky and Ms. Sunshine. Instead I was just cordial and polite not as friendly as I would normally be. I usually would make small talk instead I decided not to. Even though I longed to chit chat with the girls in the office and I’m sure they were wondering why I wasn’t. They would ask how I was or was I ok trying to initiate conversation. They noticed the difference right away. However they probably attributed my behavior to my possibly not feeling well since my condition causes that at times.Close  I have to admit though that I enjoyed the other me where I was social and bright, vibrant loving and connected. JOY is the makeup I put on everyday even if I don’t feel like it. It’s easier for me to be the more vibrant person.

     I observed that the psychological effects on living authentically are costly because you withdraw; you avoid social interaction and may become antisocial. Isolation is always a sign of sickness. The only benefit that I observed might be becoming one with yourself. Sometimes you have to disconnect to reconnect.  Its also important to stay mindful of how long we take to reconnect. At the same time its also fun to just take a day to do you while everyone whispers and looks at you a little strange.  But the longer you take, the reconnection may become more difficult.

     In my opinion behaving in a nonconforming manner is a psychological technique of its own; even when trying to nonconform, others will often find themselves following your lead. If everyone behaved as an individual and only said what they really felt and thought, that would probably become the new norm. If everyone acted as individual that same behavior would always be expected of them. If I were to encourage others to behave like I did that day. I would just tell them to be themselves without the extra just toning it down a little bit while keeping their regular routine and take away what others expect of them.

      Looking at my behavior one month from now I don’t feel it would not change that much. I only focused on my appearance and just cutting down on being friendly which is almost always expected of me. I realize that some things that I do fit in with a group, like my hair, my clothes how I talk. Also how I do things, although I do things according to what’s easiest and best for me not necessarily because everyone else does it.

     From participating in this, it helped me realize that sometimes we do have to take time off to disconnect. It doesn’t have to be a whole day a month or even a year. It could be just 10 minutes each day to Be Still, laugh, cry or talk with our higher power or whatever we need to do. Letting go of what everyone needs us to be and Be who we need to be.