Blessed Is the Family

Growing up the family connection was the main support system for survival.  I always say that through our families we learn how to be with others, we begin to develop our thoughts ideas and beliefs we also begin to learn how to treat or not to treat people. It seems it’s also the family’s responsibility to nurture us and help us develop, think and form social skills. I think as we grow and develop and things go wrong in our lives we often look back and question our upbringing and find our parents or caregivers guilty, guilty of being human that is.  No matter how dedicated our parents or caregivers could have ever been in raising us there may still always be the need for something more. 

Growing up my Father was and still is a good man, bread winner and one of my role models on so many levels. He was also a drunk an alcoholic on so many levels. He never thought he had a problem because he never missed a day of work. We never lacked or missed out anything. My mother worked because she wanted to not because she had to. He stayed on his job from age 19 until he retired in his 60’s. My mother took plenty of verbal and other types of abuse from my father, for years on end all because she didn’t want to break up our family. However his drinking would no longer allow her to stay in the situation.  Finally she decided that she had enough and divorced him. That divorce was one of the main reasons my middle and teen years were so troubled. Our lives changed drastically. My mother had to go back to college in her 40’s; we also were homeless for a short period of time. I missed out on many things that my father provided for us, that my mother was not able to provide. I was finishing high school, while my mother was graduating college.  Even though we made it, I had a lot of unresolved resentment against my mother for our situation and getting rid of my provider, my father.

I never understood why my father abused alcohol. At that time I had no formal understanding of what addiction even was. I knew that he also had demons and things from his childhood that he needed to fight.  I could spend a lifetime going over things that went wrong in my childhood. The people that reared us had so many things that they themselves had to contend with including unresolved issues and painful pasts.  So many times I hear of how fortunate children with two parent households are. From my own personal experiences some of those children are no more fortunate than children who are in single parent homes. Often times having two dysfunctional parents is worse than having just one. I have shared some painful childhood experiences with people whose parents have died or were incarcerated, or even abandoned them. I have close friends who grew up raised by cruel foster parents.  After hearing their stories of struggle and survival, I look at my disadvantages very differently.  I felt blessed. I realized that there were so many that surrounded me that were raised by uncaring, unloving, self destructive people whether it be their parents or whoever the caregiver was.  Even my parent’s biggest mistakes held no weight when I compare it to what others have been through. They never missed a day of loving me or my sister.

One thing I had to learn was that parents are not perfect and that things are subject to change and without notice. I don’t love my father any less because he did what he knew how to do at that time. Once I began to investigate my father’s childhood I found out that his father, my grandfather who I love and miss very much was an abusive parent and also a heavy drinker.  It helped me to understand his childhood a little bit better and not make excuses for it.  My mother was not perfect either I respect her more than ever today for not staying in any type of abusive situation. Now she helps women get out of their abusive situations. I don’t love either one of my parents any less. Whatever my experiences were they gave their best the best they could give at that time. I learned that we have to take the best that they gave us whatever that was and continue to incorporate into our lives. We have to be forgiving and willing to move forward.

I did family therapy for a few years working with families in poverty for the Head start program. I experienced some heart breaking family situations and also some very wonderful family situatuons. I learned that even children, who were clearly in abuseful and neglectful situations because of their parents, still did not want to be separated from them. That in itself taught me alot about unconditional Love and forgiveness. I love my parents today for who they were and who they are, I turned out just fine. Being a Mother myself, I only hope that my Son will forgive me for my not so perfect moments, for all of the times I came up short. For all the times I didn’t feel like being a mother. I had to unlearn so many things. I hope one day he will extend his father who is no longer in his life the same.

Our roots are a deep reflection of who we are and we can’t be afraid to take a look at those who raised us investigating our families history. Let the truth be told many of us were raised by unstable, unreliable, emotionally unavailable people. Parents who have suffered trauma, abuse, addictions, anger, and grief. People who are struggling with their own personal issues, who are fighting to bring order to their own lives much less to someone else’s.  It’s important and necessary that we put hurtful family experiences in their proper places or they will continue to resurface. How we get along with our families not only depends on them but also on us. When we build a healthy relationship with ourselves taking an honest look at who we are, we can then deal with others accordingly. Then we can proceed with understanding, compassion and grace.

Always remeber to Bless it then Release It

Namaste, Love and Unstoppable Blessings

Peace Nakia